In the grand scheme of things, this blog post is completely insignificant and therefore its existence is pointless.

I don't make friends easily. I have a low threshold for bullshit. I can't stand small talk. Shared interests are good, but someone who can go toe-to-toe on a deeper level will have my ultimate admiration. But it takes me a long time to trust someone enough to share my thoughts and opinions. 

It takes time for me to find my voice. That's (one reason) why I write. It gives me time to form my thoughts into something cohesive (and hopefully more meaningful) than I can convey when speaking. Moreover, in our tl;dr culture, it allows my message to reach only those who care enough to read it. Because to me, there are few things worse than wasting my breath on people who aren't listening. 

But some days, I can't find my audience. My voice is lost in the ether. "No one is going to read your work because no one cares. Everyone is caught up in their own day-to-day. Or they are simply not interested in what you have to say. Maybe what you're saying isn't actually that interesting."

Some days those few friends who have my utmost admiration seem so far away. Why is it so difficult to stay in touch? Physical limitations and busy work-schedules keep us apart. And the creeping insecurity that maybe I'm not worthy of their time. 

Some days I wake up with the crushing weight of my own insignificance. These nihilistic thoughts make it hard to get out of bed, make it impossible to hold my head high. And I want to crawl into a dark corner and stop existing. Because nothing matters, least of all me. It's hard to climb out of that spiraling web without getting eaten alive. The best I can do is get up, force myself to shower, go to work, and pretend like everything isn't just a marking of the passage of time as we march closer to our deaths. 

I don't always feel this way. Some days are bright and wonderful and I'm so inspired and the world is full of beauty and truth and love. I remind myself that those days are what make life worth living. Even if there is no point to any of it, there are feelings, emotions. And life goes on. 

I've been searching my whole life for someone who truly loves me. Someone who gets me, who understands me. Someone who loves my personality, my wit -- not just what I do for them or the way I make them feel. It took me a long time to realize that someone should be me. 

Some days I still forget. 

The Semi-colon Project

When I used to cut myself, it was a way to cope with all the awful thoughts in my head -- that voice telling me I was never good enough. I realized -- with the help of my friends -- that it was getting too dangerous and that I had to stop. The day I brought my razor to school to cut myself in class, I had a moment of clarity seeing myself from an outside perspective. "You can't even go a few hours while you're in school without hurting yourself? This is a problem!" I told myself, and this time it wasn't that awful abusive voice in my head -- it was someone I hadn't heard from in awhile: me. The real, rational, intelligent me.

Let's forget for a second what "normal" is. I was not, am not normal -- whatever that means. Cutting was not HEALTHY. I was not healthy. I hadn't viewed it in those terms before. It was always good/bad, or right/wrong, or normal/fucked up. But mostly I just saw it as a way to get by, to get through each day. And I didn't do it every day. But knowing it was an option was enough. 

Quitting wouldn't be hard, I thought. But what am I supposed to do with all these FEELINGS? And those moments when it all got to be too much? I feel really lucky to have grown up at the real rise of the Internet (and before there were camera phones). People online were sharing their stories of why they cut and how they stopped. Two really important things happened when I read their stories: 1. I realized I was not alone. Not in my feelings or in my actions. And B. I wasn't the first one who had to do this. People had lived through whatever it was I was dealing with, and they got better. And what was this? I remain undiagnosed to this day, so I call it depression because that is all I know for sure that it is. And what exactly was the goal here?

The goal was to get better, by myself. Because no one else was going to do it for me. 

Not that they should or that I expected them too. They couldn't. It all came down to me. 

One mantra I adopted and repeated constantly: YOU are the only one who decides your feelings. No one makes you feel a certain way. Happiness doesn't come from someone else. It comes from within. And if it doesn't, you fake it till you make it! Smiling, no matter how fake, actually gives the smiler the same feelings of happiness as if the smile were real. 

The most important thing I learned was this: when you feel like cutting, wait 15 minutes. If you still feel like cutting after that, wait another 15 minutes (ad infinitum). This gives you time to focus on something else, to distract yourself, to get your mind out of the rut it's in. Use that 15 minutes to just breathe. Or color. Or listen to music. Just don't cut. 

I also gave myself permission to smoke a cigarette instead of cutting. It seemed like a healthier alternative because it was more socially acceptable. In reality, I was making a poor health decision that the future me would have to deal with. Once I had quit cutting, I ended up being addicted to cigarettes, which was a different but even more difficult habit to break (6 years smoke-free in February! Woop woop!). And when people would say, "Those things'll kill ya, you know." I'd respond, "Good." Because I still had days that I wanted to die. 

I read that I should make a list of at least 5 things I like about myself and hang them on my mirror and repeat them whenever I started to have those negative thoughts. It sounded really fucking cheesy. I really did NOT want to do it. Honestly, I think I was afraid I really wouldn't be able to come up with 5 things. That's how low my self-esteem was. 

I started to recognize when that critical voice popped up, and that was the first step. Recognizing it, I could at least stop from getting stuck in the loop of negativity. Because it always snowballed. It would start with a rumination on one small thing and escalate into an imagining of all the horrible things others must think of me and end with a list of every fuck up I'd ever made. 

Then I could start to replace those thoughts with positive affirmations. Again it felt cheesy and insincere, initially. "I like the color of my hair." *eyeroll* But the more I did it, the more things I found I could compliment myself on -- honest things, deeper things. "I can tell an engaging story." I don't know, guys, it's still hard to do. But you just do it. Because that's the only way to shut up that other voice. 

And I started watching for things to look forward to. A trip to the lake, a shopping trip with friends, a sleepover, holidays, a car ride. Things in the future -- days or weeks, but preferably months ahead. If it was something I could plan, even better. Planning gives you hope. And hope is all you need (forget love, the Beatles had it wrong). 

I found a Tumblr not too long ago called The Butterfly Project. To support people who self-harm or to avoid self-harming, you draw a butterfly on your arm. You can name it after a person in your life who supports your journey to good health (or after your friend if you are a supporter). You leave it there as a reminder of why you shouldn't self-harm. It's really a beautiful idea and there are folks on there with butterflies drawn all over their arms to support their loved ones. 

The Semi-Colon Project is similar, except instead of butterflies, you draw a semi-colon for Suicide Prevention. Because an author uses a semi-colon when a sentence could have been ended, but wasn't. (Hint: it's a metaphor.) A semi-colon tells the reader to pause; but keep going. I have one tattooed on my wrist in white ink. The white ink is a reference to the white scars that are still visible on my arm over ten years later. Proof that the Future You will have to deal with the consequences of the decisions you make today. 

Anyway, searching the Semi-Colon Project, I saw a Tumblr post today that was absolutely stunning. 

http://kathrinegrey.tumblr.com/post/97080977990/writingsforwinter-this-ask-was-made-rebloggable

"3,600 seconds. SECONDS. Mere seconds that separate you from life and death, from ending your life and from something extraordinary happening."

It's your story. Don't end it.

Everyone's Battle Is Different

I am a successful, contributing member of society, approaching thirty years of age. But there was actually a time in my life when I couldn't see myself living past 20. I remember remarking to myself on my 21st birthday that I'd made it farther than I ever thought and wondering how much longer I could go on. By then, a lot in my life had changed for the better. Things were good and I still had these terrible thoughts in my head. Since then, I finished college. I studied writing, an outlet for my passion and creativity, as well as a source of therapy. Since then, I found a loving, supportive man who loves me not despite all the darkness inside of me but because of it — and then I proposed to him and we got married. Since then, I've moved out of that house that reminded me of such a bad time in my life, and out of that town that held so many memories of people I'd rather forget, where everywhere I turned was a ghost of my past. I made a career with the same company I joined when I was 16 years old, moving my way up the corporate restaurant ladder. Oh, and I still occasionally do that thing I got my degree in.

How did I get here? as the Talking Heads would ask.

A friend told me today, "I'm proud of you for overcoming everything you've gone through in your life." I love her and I am truly fortunate to have people like her in my life who know what depression can do to people and who understand that everyone has a struggle. But I don't feel strong or brave. I look at people who overcome cancer and I think they are strong. I look at people who overcome sexual assault and I think they are strong. I look at soldiers to live with PTSD and I think they are strong. Those people have overcome. Those people have gone through worlds more that I have. For me to sit here and talk about my depression as if I've been through something traumatic is just pathetic. It's whiny bullshit, isn't it?

There's always a bigger fish. There will always be people with bigger problems, more righteous anger, or more serious issues. I can't cry because that shows weakness. If I talk about my problems, I'm asking for pity. If someone notices my scars, I cut myself for attention. I don't want any of these things. I would rather slink into a dark corner and die alone. How do I dare talk about my problems when so many people are going through or have overcome so much more than I have? 

That's the problem with the mental health stigma: that feeling of guilt and shame that accompanies any conversation regarding ones own problems. But everyone's battle is different. Someone out there is going through the same things I did. The struggle of the middle-class white kid stuck in a small town with demons in her head telling her she'll never be good enough, but knowing that it could be a hell of a lot worse, and knowing that doesn't make her feel a damn bit better. I have to keep reminding myself that this is why I am writing this: for her.

I'm still trying to figure out how exactly I made it this far. Identifying the tipping point isn't easy. I didn't just wake up one day and regain control of my life. There were baby steps that I took to get there. Positive affirmation was the biggest factor. But it was a journey worth writing about, so I will gather my thoughts on it and compose something at a later date. 

For now, I'll leave you with a final thought. It's National Suicide Prevention Week. There are people out there in the world who see suicide at such a foreign idea. They wonder how anyone could ever think that it is a reasonable solution to their problems. (It's not.) I hope those people recognize how fortunate they are and attempt to reserve their judgments. I have a wonderful life and I know that people would never guess it, but there are still days that I wish I wasn't alive. And considering the astounding 350 million people around the globe that have depression, if you aren't one of them, I guarantee there are friends and family of yours who have the same dark thoughts come creeping into their minds. So what can you do to help? Show them you care. Listen when they talk. Call them up or send a message. Ask what's wrong when they seem upset. Give them time to answer and don't be surprised if they have trouble articulating it. Don't pretend to know how they feel and don't make it about you. Just be there. And let them know how important they are to you. 

And if you are one of those 350 million? Talk about it! The only way we can help each other understand how common mental health issues are is to start talking about our own battles. Tell people what it's like to live an hour in your head. Speak out (with compassion) when you hear someone saying they don't get it and help them understand. And catch yourself when you start to judge someone you deem "crazier" than you. 

Finally, I know calling hotlines is weird and scary, but seriously, if you are at the end of your rope, if your situation has become so desperate that suicide is your last resort, I'm begging you to please at least call these folks first: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline — 1-800-273-8255.

I have scars, but I. Am. Alive.

I first cut myself when I was 15 years old. I remember the day very well because it was Valentine's Day and I was sitting on a stranger's house in a trailer park while my Loser Boyfriend got stoned. The room was filled with smoke and their eyes were so chinked that no one noticed when I found some random person's pocketknife and dragged it across my wrist. I could think of a thousand more romantic ways to spend such a holiday with the boy to whom I'd given my virginity just a month prior. Depressing, yes. But symptomatic?

Though that was the first time I had cut myself, it certainly wasn't the first time I'd felt so empty inside. I lived in a small ranch-style house with a big backyard for the first 5 years of my life. I have very few memories of that house, but one that stands out is this: I'm sitting on the edge of the patio watching as my brother plays with a couple other boys, our neighbors. I don't mind being alone, I actually prefer it. But I just wish I didn't feel so lonely.

There is a voice inside my head and it is my enemy. It tells me that I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not pretty enough. And more than anything, I am alone. It's a dirty fucking liar. That voice has been my constant companion for as long as I can remember.

Sitting in the smoke-filled trailer, I told myself, "No one will ever love you," as I dragged the knife across my arm. It had little to do with my Loser Boyfriend and everything to do with myself, my own self-worth. I didn't love me.

I soon found that razor-blades worked better than pocketknives. They made precise little slits into my flesh, nearly as thin as a paper cut. We had a box-cutter in the garage and the little razors that come inside them were perfect. I nearly always cut on my forearm. I would fashion them to look like scratches and when people asked, I'd tell them my cat did it. I'd never owned a cat. When too many people started questioning me, and one or two accused me of doing it for attention, I started wearing long-sleeves all the time, even in summer. I remember bleeding through my shirt in the dead heat of summer at the beginning of my sophomore year of high school and screaming in my head, "Why hasn't anyone noticed?!" I desperately wanted someone to look me in the eye and say, "I know you're going through hell in your own mind. I'm here for you." Or maybe, "You are not alone. I've been there. It gets better."

Pause; but keep going. #semicolonproject

The blood gave me a release. I had all this pain inside of me and I couldn't comprehend it. No one could see it, not even me. If I can't see it, is it even real? Having something to look at, something to see and say, "This. This is what ails me. This is my suffering." I could count them. Sometimes I would name them to myself, a reminder that it's not all in my head. "This one is for when I missed that pop fly in the outfield, this one is for not doing the dishes right and making Mom yell at me at 6am, this one is for when I went ahead with him even though I didn't really want to." It wasn't just that voice in my head making things up. There were actual instances of my numerous failures and shortcomings. I wasn't simply wallowing in my misery.

I think the worst it got was when I brought a razor blade to school with me because I didn't think I could make it through the day without either having a panic attack or cutting myself. I don't remember why I was particularly anxious that day, but I just knew I couldn't make it through without it. I tucked the blade in my sock and felt it rub my ankle all day. Under my desk, I crossed my ankle over my leg, wielded the razor, and made small slices in the flesh of my leg.

My best friends finally spoke up. What had taken them so long? I wondered. "You're scaring me," Shelby told me with tears in her eyes. "I don't want you to hurt yourself. I love you. Please stop. Please, for me if not for yourself." I choked up and nodded, grateful that someone in my life cared. Cared enough to cry over me hurting myself. And she didn't even know about my thoughts of suicide (pills, maybe?) or my frequent wish that I'd never been born.

My Loser Boyfriend finally said something too. He told me he'd break up with me if I cut myself again. That only made me feel guilty about it, which made me hate myself even more. And the hatred made me want to cut more and when I cut, I knew I was disappointing my friends and my boyfriend. Such is the vicious nature of the cycle. Finally, he tried a different approach. He convinced me to tell my parents, to try to get help. Recognizing the loop I was stuck in, I agreed.

My dad was away on a hunting trip when I decided to tell my mother. Maybe she was having a bad night, or maybe I picked the wrong time to unload on her, without my dad there to support her. Whatever the reason, she did not take the news well. My Loser Boyfriend sat quietly by my side as I cried and confessed to my mother that I had been cutting myself and that I thought I needed to see a therapist. I wasn't expecting a tearful embrace or any sort of consoling. But I also was not expecting the cold, uncompassionate response I received. "Why are you telling me this?" she asked. "Why now? Of course you want to talk to someone. Everyone in the world would love to have a therapist to listen to all of their problems. We can't afford that." I cried and begged her to understand. It wasn't just normal teenage angst, I insisted. I lifted my sleeves and showed her the cuts. "I will not walk on eggshells because you feel sad," she declared, slamming the book on the conversation. I was devastated.

I realized then that it would be up to me to pull myself out of this. Luckily, I grew up with the world at my fingertips, as long as I had the patience to wait for the dial-up modem. The internet has been a constant resource, offering stories of people who had been there, who traveled down that dark tunnel with nary a light at the end, and who had made it out the other side. It is my hope now that I can do the same for others searching for hope.

You are not alone. It gets better.

I have scars, but I. Am. Alive.

More to come...