The Only Thing E.L. James Got Right In Fifty Shades of Grey

Many of my friends are absolutely in love with the Fifty Shades of Grey stories. As a writer and lover of books, I'm all for stories that get people reading and there's no doubt that this book wooed the masses. I've read a lot of articles against the story, many so snarky and belittling that no fan would even click (case in point, this Jezebel article, which was a hilarious read). But I don't want to preach to the choir of people who already hate the series. I'm here to beg fans of Fifty Shades of Grey to understand just how unhealthy the relationship between Ana and Christian is. Because I don't want any woman to feel "demeaned, debased, abused, and assaulted", let alone be asked to "deal with" these feelings. "For me?" For anyone. For real.

An actual quote from the book. Classic manipulation. And yes,
that is my cat's fur in the background. He's Fifty Shades of Cute.

Full disclosure: I haven't finished the books. There are many reasons I quit reading the first one, but the one I'm going with today is this: as one of my good friends put it, "It brought back too many bad memories." Articles, such as this feat of blogging masochism, detailing all the ways Christian is abusive have made me feel physically ill, making me glad that I put the book down. The book should come with a trigger warning for women who have endured emotional abuse. Everyone I know that loves the book has never been in an abusive relationship. Everyone I know that has been in an abusive relationship can't stand the book. **Please, if I am wrong, correct me. I'd love to hear your take.**

I can appreciate the role this book played in the societal need for a sexual awakening in women today's society. I'm truly glad that many women were finally able to express their desires in ways they hadn't been free to do before reading Fifty Shades of Grey. Esther Perel explained the way the book hooked readers, as quoted in Psychology Today:

"The book helped many women reconnect with their erotic selves, but more importantly, it helped them accept the intricacy of their erotic desires and the paradoxes of their fantasies, because the story gave them permission to see their fantasies as normal... And we can then ask how is it possible that in an age where women are striving for an egalitarian ideal they would fantasize about forced seduction? Well, here's what these fantasies reveal about women's sexuality: In a woman's fantasy of forced seduction she is never truly hurt -- the hurt is only there in the interest of the pleasure. But more importantly, when (in this sexual scenario) the man makes all the decisions for her and tells her what to do, he is actually liberating her from the biggest erotic block women have -- the burden of caretaking. In other words, her being submissive to the man in this fantasy frees the woman from thinking about anybody else's needs but her own."

That would make a lot of sense. And women reading this book are distanced from the experience, giving them even more freedom to accept their fantasies. Because it story isn't real. And that's what we have to remember. It's fiction. But for so many women, it has been a reality. And when you are constantly worried about whether something you do will anger your partner, you aren't truly free to focus on your own needs, even when your sexual goddess has taken control of the narrative. In the fantasy, the woman is never truly hurt -- because a fantasy is not real. But there are Christian Greys out there in the world. And the hurt they inflict is real -- whether emotional or physical or both.

Emotional abuse is a tricky thing. For me, it was hard to pin-point. And then you see it in little checklists and a light bulb appears over your head. You think, "Yeah, that's what it was. Manipulation. Possession. Intimidation. An inequality of power. The double standards. The doubt. And then that little flash of hope that makes it all worth it and keeps you hanging around, believing you can change him." It becomes ever more clear when you see it happening to someone else. Clear in a way that makes you shake your head and cringe at the poor naive girl, as your stomach knots.

The threats are easier to pin-point. He shows up at your workplace, waiting in his car. He says, "You can't hide. I know all the places you go." He waits for you outside of school, standing against the fence. He runs in front of your car as you try to drive away from him, so you have to slam on the brakes to keep from hitting him. He tells you he has a gun with two bullets -- one for you, one for your new boyfriend. "An Order of Protection is just a piece of paper."

From HelpGuide.org

It's easy to forget those heartrending moments. Standing with your hand on the doorknob, sobbing, begging him to show some kind of emotion, to show he cares, while he stands there, cold and withdrawn. Getting pissed about a text message from a girl he's rumored to be sleeping with, and then being derailed with an argument about trust and privacy, and how could you have gone through his phone? This is your fault, you know it. And maybe if you weren't so clingy, maybe if you gave him a little space and didn't demand so much from him, maybe this conversation wouldn't be happening.

But then he comes back, tail between his legs, looking all contrite and handsome and charming. "I'm sorry," he says. "I'm just fucked up," he says. "I don't know what's wrong with me." And you believe all he needs is love, because that's what all the songs and books and movies tell you. And you try and try and try, despite constant let-downs and heartbreaks because you know he can change. Because you are foolish and naive and in love.

As an onlooker, I can imagine that maybe this sort of relationship seems exciting. And it is. The highs are higher. But the lows are like, Mine-Shaft Elevator-Drop low. And at some point you have to assess the ratio of bad to good. Are you happier more than not? Or are the highs getting more infrequent? Healthy relationships are only exciting in the beginning. They make for very boring fiction too. 

Fifty Shades of Grey gets a lot wrong. The Atlantic posted a investigative look at the many issues in the book as well as society's reaction to the story, and it's well worth the long read. From the lack of Safe, Sane, Consensual BDSM, to the awful writing itself, this book is a train wreck. As with all train wrecks, it's tempting to rubberneck. But then you see the carnage. E.L. James got something right. And, ironically, it's something she never intended to portray. 

Curious about the author's response to the domestic abuse campaigns against her book, I sought out interviews for her reaction. I was saddened at her response. Ever the enabler, some part of me had been hoping she was a secret genius and this story was a ploy to expose abuse and begin a dialogue on what unhealthy relationships look like. But no, James is as ostensibly obtuse as she seems. 

 "Nothing freaks me out more than people who say this is about domestic abuse," she says. "Bringing up my book in this context trivializes the issues, doing women who actually go through it a huge disservice. It also demonizes loads of women who enjoy this lifestyle, and ignores the many, many women who tell me they've found the books sexually empowering."

There are so many things wrong with this line of logic, and Jenny Trout explains it best and in a calm, rational way. But the biggest issue is her utter denial of the abuse. She refuses to acknowledge what "women who actually go through it" are telling her. If you point out the abuse to her on Twitter, even in a nice, respectful way, she will block you. To my disappointment, this book was not a literary tool used to generate discussion over the (completely unrelated) subjects of kink and abuse, but just the poorly written fantasy of a bored woman. (I won't even touch on the many ways the writing sucks. It would take too long and would derail the point.) I've got no problem people with sharing fantasies. Erotica is a bonafide genre of fiction, enjoyed by many. And BDSM is a legitimate form of kink, safe and fun for those who play by the rules. The abuse we're all talking about happens outside of The Red Room of Pain. When we as a society start to glorify abusive relationships and girls are walking around saying things like, "Someday I'll find my Christian Grey," it worries me. 

If you find your Christian Grey, you should run far away. You won't want to. You'll want to stay and make everything better. You'll want to curl up in a ball and cry and wonder why he doesn't love you like you love him. You'll want to scream in his face and stomp your feet until he finally respects you. And finally, exhausted and broken, you'll walk away. If you're lucky. If you're not, maybe the emotional abuse will escalate into physical abuse. It'll happen once, and he'll swear it will never happen again and you'll believe him. He'll say he needs you, he loves you, he needs your help. But it will happen again. And then, maybe, you will escape, bruised and battered, with your life. Maybe you won't. Maybe it doesn't escalate to physical abuse. Maybe he just keeps berating you, making you feel like an utter fuck-up. He hasn't changed and it's your fault. You aren't good enough to help him. Your self-esteem is so far gone, you hate yourself. You hate that you can't make him love you. You're a failure and the only way to stop fucking everything up is to kill yourself.

Take away the sex. Take away the charm. Take away the excuses. Being "fifty shades of fucked up" is not an excuse to abuse your significant other. There is no excuse. Take those things away and you're left with a pathetic creep who stalks, threatens, humiliates, manipulates and coerces a young, naive victim.

My hope is that my friends who go see Fifty Shades of Grey will leave, much like Rosie Waterland, telling their friends (and daughters), "Yeah, that story is exciting. But, boy, is it fucked up! What a perfect example of an unhealthy relationship. Isn't it great that we live these boring, vanilla lives?" Because it is great. And I hope you never have to see the other side. I hope you can practice safe, sane consensual sex with someone who loves and respects you and cares about your satisfaction -- physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Because no one deserves to feel the way Christian makes Ana feel. My hope is that this book and movie is the closest you ever come to an abusive relationship. If you've been there, you know. 

There's been some activists encouraging people to donate to Domestic Violence shelters with the hashtag, 50 Dollars Not 50 Shades. There are a lot of things I dislike about this campaign -- the propaganda isn't well-researched, it cites flawed studies, and the slander against the BDSM community is unfounded and feels very witch-hunty -- so I'm certainly not advocating this particular cause. But I can get behind the basic premise of it. I can't afford 50 dollars and I don't expect anyone to donate that much. But maybe skip the popcorn and put that money toward your local domestic violence shelter or to your state's coalition of National Network to End Domestic Violence. Maybe you think this is all blown out of proportion -- it's just a story after all. But for many women (and men), this is real and it is scary. And they need your support.